I'm Tired Of Pretending.....

I am the type of person that holds in my feelings unless I really feel comfortable around the person(s) then all of a sudden I am able to let my guard down. I trust this blog more than I trust a lot of people. This is a sounding board to where I don't have to worry. I don't feel like I am being judged. Well I have on some occasions but this is MY blog so I still feel comfortable putting my feelings down here.

I am tired of pretending I am alright. I am tired of sitting and listening to other people about their problems when I have problems of my own. What makes it worse is I do it with a smile on my face, as if I am not hurting.

Mostly I am tired of hiding the way I feel about people.

I think about you first thing in the morning.. and I carry you all day long with me, thinking about the good times and laughing at the bad times, because we seemed to always laugh when it is over. I pray for you every night before I close my eyes and I cry, I cry because I don't know what to do............

Then I realize I kept this hushed up too long, I held my tears and I cried silently as I laid in bed at night, but showed the strong side of myself during the day.....

I am tried of pretending that I don't Love you anymore....


It seems like you had me but I've never had you~Carrie from SITC

In The Moment...

Let's pretend that Nothing is wrong... Can we for just a minute?

Nothing has or is going to change, Come'on We are going to live in the moment..So what? A lot of things can happen in a moment, right?

While I was in those moments I was complete, I was happy and I was able to feel the love that I had for you and most of all the love that you had for me.. IN those Moments It was Not just You and Me.. It was Togetherness & Oneness...

That moment is gone.. But I promise, I swear I will walk away with memories..
Those sweet Memories we both made together in just that small Moment...



Ps Guys I am flying out to California on Thursday, wish me luck...

Reality Check #1

Life does not always deal us the best cards so to say. Starting today I am I guess in a I don't really give a fuck about the past.. the only think I want from my past to go with me is memories. I have changed my thought process.

I hate this saying I am about to say right now.... There is a silver lining to every dark cloud!!

DON'T YOU ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME! It is true. Okay for me it is true.

I am not going to sit around and pout about what I cannot have vs what I have had.. Because let me tell you the good times outweigh all the bad that has ever happened in my life, even my daddy's death. I am blessed. At times I feel as if I am not worth the fight or anything at that matter.. But I tell you one thing I would not trade my life for nothing in the world..

My health is something that I am after to set straight. I have so much love in me that I try to not see that bad, no I am not looking at the world from rose colored glasses. I am looking at it from a "Reality Check" that I have received.

Ladies, when you love, Love with everything that you have in you. Don't just love because it is something to do. Let go, Let all of it out, Let your guard down. Allow yourself to be loved. I will tell you a little secret..... (come a little closer) I allowed myself to be loved for the first time in my life.. I really let go and it felt soooooo wonderful. Even when the relationship ends, the love still goes on between both partner's?? NOW that shit is LOVE! I have NO regrets, NO hate and above all NO anger!

So ladies and gents.. Life is not really bad.. Sometimes it is the choices that we tend to make that FUCKS it up! lol

Okay excuse me while I go and beat my head against the wall.. Cause I am trying to get through the Shock of my life then I will end up seeing the silver lining ! :P lol